Eliyahu Gasson | opinions editor

Last month I wrote a column for The Duke in which I graded each of the academic buildings on Duquesne’s campus. This article is much the same; however, the subject matter is far more important. Learning cannot be done effectively on an empty stomach.

I want to make clear that this article is not an attack on the staff who work at Duquesne. It’s undoubtedly difficult to prepare enough for thousands of hungry college students everyday. There is a lot of planning and preparation required to make sure we have options on campus, and I appreciate that. None of this is meant to be a criticism of the good people at Parkhurst or Duquesne Dining Services. This is a criticism of a system that we are all a part of.

Hogan Dining Center: C

Can you say you’re wasting food if it was trash to begin with?

Perhaps that question was too mean. The food is edible, which is more than you can probably say about a lot of school cafeterias. It’s certainly a step above whatever high schools are serving up on any given day. As I said, it’s undoubtedly a tough job to prepare enough food for the thousands of hungry students who come in on a daily basis.

Hogan is great because they have cheap options and offer an “all you care to eat” model. There are eight different stations and half of them offer unique offerings for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The hours here are also impressive, effectively operating from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. with hour breaks in between breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I haven’t been in a while. I’m waiting for Fresh Stock to bring back the clam chowder.

The Incline: C-

What’s the difference between The Incline and 1878 Grill? As far as I understand it, The Incline is the room and 1878 Grill is the restaurant, right? Does the hallway with the tables count as part of the restaurant? Can you call it a restaurant? Is it a station? Food counter? I really am confused by the layout of this place.

Speaking of stations — Duq Station Salads & Subs offers some of the most acceptable sandwiches on campus! I don’t think I’ve ever been happy after eating here, but at least I wasn’t hungry.

Something rubs me wrong about The Incline. It’s not a cafeteria and it’s not a restaurant. It’s a room with chairs and tables with counters on either side from which you can order food. The atmosphere is off. On the upside, you can enter through a creepy, winding concrete ramp, which makes you feel like you’re in an inner city alleyway.

Chick-fil-A: B+

Chick-fil-A caused a lot of trouble on campus when they first opened in the Student Union in 2017. The university received national attention when Donald Trump Jr. mocked Duquesne students on Twitter for being “#triggered.” Fox News was even accused of plagiarizing The Duke’s reporting on the topic.

Chick-fil-A has a history of donating to anti-LGBTQ+ organizations. They reportedly stopped donating to the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes in 2020.

The people responsible for making those donations still run the company. It’s such a shame to know that a delicious No. 2 deluxe combo can almost make you forget all about the homophobia they’ve helped spread in the world. They do have a better chicken sandwich than the incline, though.

Freshens: A-

Who needs Chipotle when you have a superior Chipotle clone? Freshens would get an A, but the location is just too inconvenient.

Cinco Cantina: D

Cinco Cantina is a budget Chipotle. Unlike Freshens, there is nothing they do better than their competitors. Their biggest fault is their lack of creativity.

Moonlit Burgers: A

Did you know you could get boozy milkshakes on campus? This is the perfect place for greasy, fatty food. It’s delicious. The dining area is perfect with its industrial design and retro decor.

The fact that there’s a bar in the Power Center is divine and, again, that you can get a boozy milkshake on campus is a big plus.

Starbucks: B

Starbucks is known for its okay coffee and okay baked goods. They also have okay breakfast sandwiches, bagels, yogurt, oatmeal and eggs.

I understand that Starbucks is popular with young people. I also understand that it’s the best place to get coffee on campus thanks to its central location and many options. However, no one should ever have to wait 30 minutes for a $6 coffee.

Please, if I may request one insane and unreasonable thing from strangers in my lifetime, stop going to Starbucks so that I don’t have to wait so long.

Neighborhood Roastery: B-

Say hello to the new kid in town. Located in the Duquesne University Bookstore, Neighborhood Roastery has the exact same look, feel and menu as the Starbucks Cafe it replaced when Follet took over from Barnes & Noble.

If you ever need a quiet study spot and can’t go to the library, try Neighborhood Roastery. You’ll rarely find more than three people there at a time.

Connections, Campus Market, The Business Leader Bistro and Fisher Market: C+

Connections is cute and has pre-packaged stuff from Salem’s, which is good. I’m just a little jealous that Carnegie Mellon University gets fresh spinach paneer on their campus and we’re stuck with these plastic containers.

Campus Market has a suspiciously low ceiling and awfully dim lighting. It feels like you’ve entered a snack cave. They’ve got cheap sandwiches, though. Great for when you’ve just gotten done with a night class and need something to eat.

The Business Leader Bistro is little more than a pantry in Rockwell Hall. Good if you’re desperate. Fisher Market is much the same except its in a different building. Guess which one.

The Rotary: B-

I miss getting Millie’s late at night. I’ve only eaten here once. I got a Chicago beef sandwich. It wasn’t very good, and I regretted my consumption of it as soon as I was done. I haven’t been back since due to their terribly restrictive hours of 11 a.m. and 2 p.m.