I was told when I pitched this column that my idea sounded incredibly Jewish. Fair. Saying something like “I am tired of people apologizing” sounds like a concept ripped from a “Curb your Enthusiasm” bit.

To make this more pedantic, I have formulated a list of five loose categories of apologies. These, paired with helpful mantras, should provide a guide on when it is appropriate to apologize.

Warrant-less Apologies

Some things people apologize for just don’t warrant it. A recent example I can think of involved myself and a stranger on an elevator. I had gotten on before they did, so when it came time to get off, I waited patiently for them to move. For one, I was following the “first on first off” rule of elevator etiquette. For two, they were blocking my way out.

It took them less than five seconds to realize I was waiting for them, and they moved, but not before telling me they were sorry.

Mantra: Don’t waste words if nothing happened.

Apology in Lieu of Improvement

Sometimes a mistake is worth an apology, but we often think that an apology is enough. I know people who are always late to things. We’ll have a time planned days before and they’ll still be late. They apologize every time, but they refuse to get better at being on time.

This is frustrating. It demonstrates a lack of will power in the person apologizing and causes the act to become meaningless. Words matter and their power can lose impact if we stop using them for their intended purpose.

Mantra: Only apologize if you mean to get better.

One Apology Offense

This type of apology is optional when you’ve done something small to inconvenience others. Perhaps you sat on the TV remote or were told off for talking during a movie. These are small missteps in the grand scheme of things. If you accidentally and gently bump into someone in a public space, quickly apologize and move on. No need to make a show out of it.

Mantra: Oops, sorry.

Three Apology Offense

Nobody is perfect. We often make mistakes that require a sincere apology to the people we’ve affected. These are situations where the remedy requires a lot of time and effort. If you’ve said something offensive to someone you should be remorseful. Personal insults or fits of rage need to be apologized for.

My advice is to give them three chances to forgive you. Apologize three times with a good chunk of time between each attempt. Say, a couple of days. You owe them the opportunity to heal, and forgiveness is one of the necessary steps.

Mantra: You owe them if you’ve hurt them.

Endless Apologies Necessary

The purpose of this apology is to grovel. It is to make yourself appear punished so the people you have wronged feel like they’re back in charge because they should be. This is reserved for crimes against humanity or other serious offenses — for people who have destroyed companies or started wars. This type of apology is often only warranted if your crime is bad enough to warrant prison time or hefty fines.

Mantra: Ruin lives? Apologize.

Eliyahu Gasson can be reached at gassonn@duq.edu