Sydney Hackenberg | staff writer

One of the strongest people I know is my dad.

While he goes to the gym everyday at 3:30 a.m., it’s not just the physical strength I respect. Like many people, my dad has not lived a seamless life. When life threw a curveball at him, he pivoted and made positive changes to his mental wellbeing that typically, men struggle with. This was not always the case with him though.

My dad would probably tell you that up until recently, he was not always very in tune with his emotions. I noticed it, the people around him noticed it and deep down I think he noticed it too. I know my dad always knew what he was feeling, he was just told not to vocalize it for so long.

The differences in the expectations of men and women start from a young age. Traditionally, if a little girl falls over and starts to cry, the parents rush to her side and soothe her as quickly as possible. When a little boy falls down, the reaction is much different. In many cases, the parents are not as quick to help him, and his cries are silenced on the notion that “boys don’t cry.”

In an online forum called “The Parenting Pro,” founder of the blog and parent to three, Michael Bennett, posted an article titled “Raising Boys vs Girls: Understanding Key Differences in Parenting,” describing the differences in parenting between different genders.

“Ongoing support is crucial for girls’ emotional development, so make sure to check in with your daughter regularly about how she’s feeling,” Bennett said in the article.

This response is typical to the way girls operate. In my personal experience, young girls are more apt to open up about their emotions because they were encouraged to express these natural reactions from a young age.

The same blog post goes on to describe how boys need consistency and parents should “communicate clearly and set consequences for misbehavior.” Bennett does go on to explain the importance of boys expressing how they feel about the consequences for their action, but any deeper emotions they have are not explicitly encouraged.

The developmental stage sets the precedent for societal constructs years down the road. Telling boys not to cry at 3 years old makes them believe they can not vocalize their feelings at 33 years old.

Erin Speese, English professor and director of women’s and gender studies at Duquesne University described how the developmental stage is pivotal to adult life.

“Society rewards traditional masculinity. It encourages them to be less emotional,” Speese said.

Early development has such a heavy impact on the way men operate in adulthood, and most have already learned how to obey these predetermined societal stereotypes.

There is actually a specific science correlated to the way men’s brains work. Many assume that their higher testosterone levels make them less emotional, but the answer is much more psychological.

Normative male alexithymia is described as “difficulty identifying emotions, difficulty distinguishing emotions from physical sensations, and limited introspective awareness,” according to NeuroLaunch. In simpler terms, the Greek word alexithymia just translates to “difficulty describing emotions.”

This concept makes sense for the typical male experience; men have emotions and feelings, there are just outlying reasons as to why they do not feel as inclined to express their emotions in many sectors.

Men’s inability to express themselves emotionally is especially concerning in the field of mental health.

As women are typically more capable and comfortable to express their anxieties and struggles, men are the polar opposite. In 2020, about 24.7% of women reached out for mental health support, while only 13.4% of men reached out, according to the Center for Disease Controls and Protections (CDC). In a similar vein, the suicide rate in men is roughly four times greater compared to women.

However, there are some media representations of men being comfortable sharing their emotions. Speese described an especially moving episode in “Ted Lasso” as an example.

“Ted Lasso represented the appropriate ways to describe emotions. Through the creation of the Diamond Dogs support group, a safe space was created for the men to talk about their feelings in a healthy way,” Speese said about “The Diamond Dogs” episode of the show.

Even the hypermasculine characters from the show, like Roy Kent, benefitted from having a safe place to speak freely.

Within female friendships, safe and supportive places are innate to the relationship, but as one can imagine, male friendships, generally, are much different. In a New York Times article titled “How to Raise a Feminist Son,” by Claire Canes Miller, the writer describes male friendships and the closeness as being weird and uncomfortable.

The article dives into the differences in how boys and girls are raised from a young age. These differences account for the variation in emotional expression that we see nowadays in society. The article promotes raising boys like girls and encouraging them to be comfortable with their emotions beginning in their childhood.

If society allows women to be expressive in their feelings, then men should be too, especially in the closer confines of a friendship.

“For true gender equality, we need to target women’s and men’s issues that target societal norms and hamper who someone can be,” said Speese.

There are so many factors that create the idea that men can not be vulnerable starting from some of their earliest memories such as falling and getting back up. As humans we need to recognize that everyone has feelings and regardless of gender, that should be respected. Being open and creating a safe space for everyone is a great place to start.

In regards to my dad, I have really noticed a change in him. While he always recognized his feelings, lately he has become much more comfortable to share them. I am proud to see him be so vulnerable even with the stereotypes surrounding him as a man.

He now takes time for himself to do what he loves and acknowledges when he needs a break, both areas that he struggled with before. Just my sister or me listening to him talk about a bad day at work has truly made all the difference for him. So maybe next time your dad calls, ask him how he is doing and just listen. See if you notice a difference in him, too.

Sydney Hackenberg can be reached at hackenbergs@duq.edu