Eliyahu Gasson | opinions editor

Some people say the most important measure of a college or university is the quality of its academic programs. Others might argue that the legacy it carries is just as important.

Both of these opinions are wrong. The most important measure of any institution of higher education are its landmarks. Statues, sculptures, fountains and gardens catch the eye, and a well maintained piece of public art demonstrates the administration’s dedication to keeping appearances up, which makes its students look good as well.

It’s important that we look at the landmarks we have at Duquesne University to ensure that the good folks in Old Main are making us students look good.

“Scary Jesus:” C+

Jos Pirkner’s sculpture, officially named “Crucifix,” has been creeping out some passersby since it was installed in the early 1960s, earning it the nickname “Scary Jesus.”

But let’s all be honest, it really isn’t that scary. Sure, the savior’s head is a little too big. And yes, it depicts him as he’s being tortured and executed. But you’d think we’d all have seen scarier things by the time we got to college.

I’m willing to accept the possibility that I’ve been exposed to more disturbing and violent imagery as a result of my Chassidic upbringing. The Old Testament is an awfully violent book filled with molten lead being poured down peoples’ throats and children being fed to crocodiles.

I think we should all be a little nicer to “Scary Jesus.” He’s probably a really nice guy. Has anyone considered how he feels about his nickname?
The Red Ring Statue: D+

Depending on who you ask, Duquesne is a great institution, and all great institutions need traditions that carry through the generations of students that pass through its halls.

Before being relocated to the edge of the lawn between Rangos and Rockwell Hall, “Scary Jesus” used to occupy what has been dubbed “the dark circle.” Legend has it that if you step even one foot into the circle, you’ll flunk out of college and ruin your life (or something like that).

In the dark circle now is an enlarged version of the Duquesne class ring, adding a new meaning to the legend of the circle. The implied myth that Jesus of all people is bad luck has been replaced with a more family friendly moral — don’t get too close to the ring before you graduate because you are not yet worthy of it.

The ring was placed in 2015. It was sponsored by Herff Jones, the company that makes the class rings. The pedestal it sits on was sponsored by the Student Government Association. It does a good job of tying the space it occupies together.

But it would tie it together better if it were bigger.

Uptown Rhythm: B

The best part of the 25-foot sculpture on the side of the Forbes Garage has to be the big green bird on top of the tilted gothic “D.” It looks like he landed on top and his weight is now threatening the integrity of the sign.

According to artist James Simon’s website, the “day-in-the-life scene celebrates the university and the neighborhood where the school is located.”

I appreciate the artist’s explanation of his work’s meaning. It’s certainly thoughtful.

But what I appreciate more than its meaning is its placement. The Forbes Garage is one of, if not the, ugliest structures on campus. It is the most brutalist and utilitarian looking building this side of Stevenson Street. Or at least it would be if not for the big bird. I like the bird.

Now we need something to spruce up the Locust Garage. I propose an even bigger bird sculpture.

I give this landmark a “B” for bird.

Statue of Our Lady of Victory: A

I had never thought about this sculpture until I started researching campus landmarks. To be fair to myself, it has been hidden away behind the law school, too small and too far away to be noticed from the street. Or maybe I need new glasses. Readers may send a letter to the editor if they think I need new glasses.

The statue depicts Mary with Jesus on her lap. Both are wearing gold crowns.

This is a memorial honoring Duquesne students, alumni and their families who served in the military. Knowing that, it’d feel wrong giving it anything lower than an “A.

Fountains on campus: F-

This part is less of a review and more of a plea for change. We need more water features on campus.

Sure, the fountain in front of the Union is nice. And yes, the fountains in front of Bayer and Canevin Halls are aesthetically pleasing. But a student who wants to enjoy a water fountain should not need to feel confined to Academic Walk.

Has the university thought about the poor souls who live in Brottier or McGinley? Can they imagine the torment that the residents of Des Places and Assumption feel having to walk so far from their residences to experience beautiful fountains?

There is plenty of space for more fountains!

We can throw one in front of the main entrance of Brottier. That little car loop is begging for a water fountain. We can also put one in front of the Power Center in the space that is currently being used for outdoor seating. We can put another in the big concrete pad leading to the entrance of the medical school. The options are endless.

As for how the university can pay for all of that water — simple. Increase tuition.

Water fountains enhance a property’s aesthetic appeal, and students will certainly be willing to look past a higher bill if it meant a more aesthetically appealing campus.

Until more are built, every water fountain on campus gets an “F-.”